Tuesday, 22 December 2015
ISIS and Taliban in new strategy
We have an exclusive for you tonight. ISIS Communications Minister, Sheikh ma Haun Yabass, told Pesky News earlier today that they are currently in discussions with their legal advisors about the possibility of suing their distant cousin, a certain Mr. Barack Obama, over loss of earnings after their money-spinning oil distribution network was bombed. According to this spokesperson who, incidentally, sounded very much like my granddad after a few too many whiskies, Mr. Baghdadi was considering all options to move the organisation forward, including the likelihood of putting in a bid for Aberdeen Football Club.
When pressed on this diversification from the usual strategy of bombing and slaughtering innocent civilians, public beheadings, releasing grainy videos and generally making a nuisance of themselves wherever they went, Sheikh ma Hawn Yabass said:
“It’s all to do with expanding into new markets. Growth has slowed recently, mainly due to potential customers in North Africa and The Middle East seeking democracy and jobs now instead of promises of many virgins in another life. People are fed-up with all that doom and gloom, harsh training camps and short career spans of suicide bombing. They want satellite TV, Premiership and Champions League Football, and back-catalogue episodes of Top Gear. Not to mention the whole world now dropping bombs on our tents. Like all forward-thinking organisations we have to give the people what they want if we are to survive and prosper."
He was cut-off at that point as the credit ran out on his phone, but after he topped-up here’s what he said when Pesky News pressed further:
“Firstly, we believe football is now the fastest growing religion in the world and, being both devout and enterprising, we want a piece of the action. Mr. Baghdadi has been a fan of Aberdeen since Alex Ferguson conquered Europe in the early eighties. He believes any underdog who can defeat the European crusaders on their own soil is worth a punt. Plus, Aberdeen is an oil-rich city where jihadists have already invested millions over the years. But it’s our research into the already well-financed religious war that has been simmering for over a hundred years in Scotland’s football leagues which persuaded us there’s a gap in the market for an Islamic team.
Obviously, there will be some difficulties to begin with, but I’m sure over time, as we sign exclusively Muslim players, the Aberdeen fans will learn to enjoy chanting verses from the Koran, especially if we’re winning trophies. And win trophies we shall. Both Celtic and Rangers fans, if they pray at all, pray on Sundays, which as you know is a day after most games. What’s the point in that? Stupid infidels. We’re confident that by praying on the Friday before matches on the Saturday we will be nearer the top of Allah's ‘to do list’. We’re also pretty confident the fan base will grow rapidly as many jump on the bandwagon of something new, refreshing and successful in what has become a rather stagnant, parochial conflict based mainly around just the West of Scotland.
There are already plans afoot to release a video of Mr. Baghdadi singing The Northern Lights of Old Aberdeen, but it’s been delayed for now while we wait on Simon Cowell getting back to us about producing and promoting the single. You wouldn’t believe how much he charges per hour. And may I also add, contrary to malicious propaganda rumours doing the rounds on Twitter, Mr. Baghdadi has no plans to present a flock of sheep to the team’s supporters as a gesture of goodwill, but he will consider offering a reasonable discount to season ticket holders who convert to Islam.”
At this point in the interview a mixture of loud Glaswegian, Teuchter and American accents, backed-up by some terrible singing in Arabic and a lone bleating sheep, were all heard in the background before shots rang out and the line went dead.
In other news today, shares rose sharply earlier when rumours started by a dazed-looking George Osborne about a hostile buy-out of Proctor and Gamble by the Taliban turned out to be true. Apparently, the biggest barrier to the deal is the logistics of counting such a huge sum of money after the Taliban insisted on paying cash in a variety of currencies. Our insider at the London Stock Exchange told us the deal almost collapsed when the Taliban tried to include £20,021 of Scottish banknotes as part payment, shouting something about it being legal tender. The deal was eventually closed two hours later when both parties agreed to send the unwanted banknotes to Susan Boyle along with a strongly-worded request to give singing a rest...or else.
Although it's meant to be to secret we can exclusively reveal a fleet of Eddie Stobart lorries are making their way to Afghanistan to pick up the billions of dollars-worth of used banknotes.
We at Pesky News plan to use GPS technology to track the cash convoy as it travels across Asia, through Europe and across The Channel, and some of us are planning a short detour for one of the lorries by offering the driver the choice of facial reconstruction or a carton of fags.
Meanwhile, the Daily Mail are predicting that out of the initial one hundred lorries they expect only one to return with the loaded amount of cash and the others to be loaded with pot-bellied asylum seekers with stomachs full of heroin and already-completed application forms for housing benefit.
MI6 and the Foreign Office have vowed to check every single banknote to ensure they’re not contaminated, counterfeit or stolen, and say their commission charges of between 3-5% are below market rates.
Unfortunately, no-one from the Taliban was available to answer criticisms, mainly from Unilever and the US Senate, that the deal was nothing more than a huge opium-related money-laundering scam, or to whether or not future products would be biological or non-biological.
The Colombian government are said to be monitoring the situation closely.